One hugely overlooked reason why couples are unhappy in relationships
Poorer quality sleep that they’re unaware of.
That’s the reason. Now let’s get into why that is.
A 2005 National Sleep Foundation survey showed that disruptive partners cause on average 49 minutes less sleep, than those who sleep separately.*
49 minutes is a lot. It’s almost an hour, and there’s a bigger difference between sleeping 7 vs. 6 hours per night, than we think. This sleep deprivation study showed that,
Subjects who got six hours of sleep a night for two weeks straight functioned as poorly as those who were forced to stay awake for two days straight.
But here’s the more worrying part:
The six-hour sleep group didn’t rate their sleepiness as being all that bad, even as their cognitive performance was going downhill.
So sleep-deprived people aren’t even aware that they’re sleep deprived!
As if that weren’t enough, they’re also angrier:
A large body of research supports the connection between sleep deprivation and mood changes such as increased anger and aggression. Individuals who get an adequate amount of sleep each night exhibit fewer emotional outbursts, such as anger, and display fewer aggressive behaviors. These results are seen with minor differences between males and females and across various age groups.
Is it surprising that couples who sleep together have a higher chance of being angry at each other, and not thinking as straight about the inevitable problems in relationships, than they could be if they were better rested?
Also, keep in mind that the number of sleep minutes lost, isn’t the whole story. Back in 2005 when that National Sleep Foundation survey was conducted, there were no sleep trackers like the Oura ring, the Fitbit, or the Apple Watch. You can still sleep about as long with a partner as solo, but your sleep can be of poorer quality. The brain doesn’t remember waking up for short periods of time. You may not get enough restorative deep sleep, and so on.
What can we do?
If you and your partner sleep together and things aren’t great, or are just “ok” (remember that lack of awareness of the 6h/night folks!), try this:
- monitor your sleep quality for a week, to establish a baseline
- sleep separately for another week
You might be surprised.
Longer term, you may want to consider keeping intimacy and improving sleep:
- Use separate blankets — this is the easiest “hack”
- Use earplugs if snoring is a problem
- Invest in a larger bed
Or, just sleep in separate beds, and make up for that with cuddle sessions. 🤗
